


neighbourly conduct

by lenticularprint



Category: Deus Ex (Video Games), Deus Ex: Mankind Divided
Genre: Accidental Voyeurism, Gen, Unrequited Lust
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-06
Updated: 2019-05-06
Packaged: 2020-02-26 22:41:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18726304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lenticularprint/pseuds/lenticularprint
Summary: Turns out, you do enough stealth work over the years, you hear more sex noises than you ever needed or wanted to. And they sound even weirder amplified and bouncing off vent walls.





	neighbourly conduct

Turns out, you do enough stealth work over the years, you hear more sex noises than you ever needed or wanted to. And they sound even weirder amplified and bouncing off vent walls. He spent his third mission for Sarif crawling past a security office and studiously ignoring "Goddammit not the peppermint oil, I said the goddamn _chocolate syrup,_ how the _fuck."_ He was pretty damn relieved to start doing more open investigative work. And then people started stashing stolen neuropyzene in his building, and someone else murdered an aug just outside the courtyard...

So far, he's found out pretty much nothing about the trail, but discovered that the couple at number 29 have a daddy kink and that 37 occasionally hold aug orgies and call them "aug-ies." Honest to God, he could survive the fetishism, he gets that often enough, but the attempt at a  _pun_ is just... Jesus.

He's in the wall and making his way past someone's kitchen diner - he consults the HUD; flat 22 - when he hears a man pant, "Pretend I'm the hot growly neighbour. I know you like him."

The woman, coyer, says, "I have no idea who you're talking about."

He raises an eyebrow and wonders who. There are enough pissed-off merchants, maybe he means... Not like it's any of his business. He's got better things to worry about than - 

"You know the one. The American." A thoughtful pause. "With the cute bottom."

He pauses. Raises a brow. So... that's one more thing he never needed to know. He's not the only foreigner here, it's not like -

Wait, he's pretty sure he's the only American in this building.

He pauses. Thinks that over. Crawls faster.

The man starts, in a distinctly bad, distinctly Czech American accent, "I am so serious... and handsome... look at my _cheekbones_..."

She squeaks and laughs. "Jan, he does _not_ sound like that! If you're going to do this, do this _properly._ "

_Or maybe... don't._ Adam figures he can't Icarus dash through a goddamn vent but he'd really, really like to try.

"I am going to glare at you so seriously... Or maybe I have an itch... you cannot tell with my fancy fancy shades..."

" _Jan!_ "

"I always look like I have a 'stick up my ass' augmentation."

He crawls for his life and wonders if there's a way to deactivate every single cochlear augmentation he has.

"I will offer to carry your groceries but sound as if I am escorting you to a funeral in the depths of Hell. My carrots are more _serious_ carrots."

Not even deactivate them. Maybe just rip them out. And he doesn't do that flat growly... thing. Shit. Does he? He realises he's frowning into the darkness of the vent like it's gonna give him an answer.

" _Jaaan._ I give up, why did I even suggest this..."

"I am so _intense_ and aha, I am smouldering and my fancy coat has accidentally fallen open and my very serious dick is under here...."

"For fuck's _sake,_ Jan."

"I am stroking my very serious beard..."

Maybe just rip out the implants and burn them. Yeah. Burn them.

A loud beep in his ear, and he jumps. Incoming infolink call.

_Thunk._

He realises too late that the noises have stopped.  _Shit._

_"_ Jan, what was that?"

"I think it was just the rats."

"Oh, not  _again."_

_"Anyway._ Perhaps you would like to smack my very serious bottom..."

He exhales in relief, and crawls. Keeps crawling. Jesus, this vent can't be that long, he's got to nearly be in the maintenance rooms by... there's got to be light at the end of the tunnel...

"Do the voice. Do the proper voice."

They're getting fainter now, thank God.

_"What do you mean I forgot to empty my trash cans?"_

He raises an eyebrow. That one was... almost kind of recognisably him. Except he doesn't usually sound that angry. Does he? Shit. Maybe all his neighbours think he's some kind of psycho asshole... 

" _Now I must be punished."_

He nearly goes face-first into the maintenance closet floor. And yeah, maybe he drags himself out of the vent and starts sprinting a little. Urgent mission. Killer to catch. Yeah.

 

 

 

"Jan, do you think he  _knows?"_

_"What? How could he know?"  
  
_"I passed him on the stairs this morning and he went bright pink under the sunglasses. And made this face."

"Oh. Wow. ...But no, he cannot know. Unless... he is a creepy spy?"

_"Jan!_ He seems like a nice man. If... scary."

"He dresses like a creepy spy. A  _hot_ creepy spy."

"...We could ask him if he wants to  _join_ us."

"I think he'd murder us. In a very handsome way."

"Jan!" 

Adam takes the other set of stairs and decides firmly to turn off the translator aug.


End file.
